Have you ever gotten ready for bed, turned the lights off, laid down under the covers, and you’re just about to drift into peaceful slumber when a random memory pops into your mind—something from five years ago when you said that thing, to that person—and only now do you realize they probably thought you were trying to impress them… but really, you were just talking about your favorite kind of sandwich? So why on earth would you have been trying to impress anyone??
Just me…? Oh. Umm…
Isn’t it funny how incredibly uncomfortable it is to be embarrassed? You get an actual visceral reaction from embarrassing yourself—or even thinking you might have embarrassed yourself. It’s crazy how the mind works.
The rapper NF has some great lines about how the mind works and how to deal with its unpredictability—although, granted he talks about depression… so not quite the same vein. I feel like the mind is a comedian. It always finds the most inconvenient times to remind you of the stupid things you’ve done: you’re singing karaoke and remember how you always used to sing the wrong lyrics to songs, loud and proud; or when you’re in church and remember that time you walked around with your shirt inside-out and backwards, but somehow didn’t realize it until it was pointed out to you by the store clerk…
I like to think embarrassment is closely tied to humility. If you do or say something and then take unmeasured pride in it, you’re setting yourself up for later self-reflection—which will inevitably end in palpable loathing.
Culture today seems obsessed with normalizing pride, which is unfortunate and ultimately self-destructive. There’s so much talk about “normalize this” and “normalize that,” but every now and then I see a great meme online saying, “No—stop trying to normalize things and maybe feel some shame for once.” So true. The world could use a little more shame. Imagine how much better things would be if everyone stopped and thought about what they were about to do—or say—and the impact it could have on them and everyone around them.
It’s interesting how the mind works. I’ve been trying to embrace that cringe when it comes up (which is more often than I’d like to admit). Sure, maybe that thing I said to that person way back when was stupid and they probably questioned my sanity at the time—and actually, now that I think about it, maybe that’s why I haven’t heard from them in five years… but hey, that’s life. You did it, now you’ve got to live with it.
So toughen up, buttercup. It’s only gonna get worse, so you may as well accept that and be content with the fact that you’re not perfect. You never will be perfect, and nothing you do will ever be perfect. You can’t control how what you say or do will come across to other people, and you can’t pretend that everything you do is justified—because it’s not
.
I was looking through old photos on my phone the last couple of days, and they brought back so many memories of my awkwardness. The urge to delete them and forget for all eternity is real—but I think it’s healthier to keep them around, to remind myself that I’m just a cringy person.
Anyway… that’s all I’ve got for you fine folks.
Until the next one,
Pax.